Back from BOLIVIAN!

"Alex is great and a king", these immortal words are chiseled into the daiichi torii of the infamous Yasukuni shrine in Chiyoda, Tokyo, Japan commemorating Japanese war dead in WWII. Actually, that is false and makes no sense at all.

And now, I will update, after months of silence, only an epic bout of 9/11 proportions could rouse me from my crypt-world, pry me from my duck flocks and holy relics. Mauricio "Shogun" Rua vs. Lyoto "The Dragon" Machida are due to do ("Do dah do do!") genocide upon this earth, TONITE. Karate vs. Muay Thai. Shotokan's standard-bearer vs. The Prince of Pride. Ryu vs. Sagat. I'm just shivering with excitement and dragon-AIDS.

I'm in the minority when I say Machida won the first fight, I scored the first 3 rounds in his favor and Shogun the final two, maybe under Pride rules Shogun would have won, but in a 10-point must system I weighed Machida's right straights to the head more than Shogun's body and leg kicks. Bodywork is a very risky strategy, it only works if it ends in a late KO or knockdown which in this instance it didn't, seldom do you see fighters winning decisions if they are exchanging leg kicks for strikes to the head. I often feel very lonely among the expert community in this opinion and I really think the commentary shaped people's opinions on this, Rogan has a huge hard-on for leg kicks and bodywork. There are reams of papyrus scrutinizing the first fight so let me just shut the fuck up about it and talk about tonite.

Rematches are all about adjustments and I think the big question is whether or not Machida can make any, he's basically perfected his style, he hasn't really added anything to it in 3 or 4 years, and noone has been able to make sense of the the novelty of his signature Karate stance, a modified Zenkutsu dachi (front stance) and his mystifying tai sabaki (body management) until he ran into Shogun who he still edged by. Shogun cleared some of the fog by cutting off the cage (which it seems very few fighters do), forcing Machida into a direction by occupying space between the cage and the center of the octagon and landing leg or body kicks in that direction. The strategy was to destroy Machida's lateral movement and neutralize his tai sabaki then go to the head in the later rounds, a winning strategy if he could've completed the final phase.

This is a great strategic start for Shogun but look for him to go to the head earlier and attempt to KO or knockdown Machida with his war-winning Thai clinch. Machida is notoriously difficult to handle and has an arsenal of esoteric foot sweeps to counter obvious clinch attempts (ask Thiago Silva) so this path may prove difficult. Still more daunting is trying to stop Machida in the free-movement range, so who the hell knows? I think Shogun's best chance at winning is taking the fight to the ground, where Karatekas defer to other styles for help, Machida has a black belt under Nogeuira, I guess, so this isn't exactly a weakness either. Shogun is gonna go out on his shield though, he's afraid of the scorecards more than Machida's reverse punch so look for him to have a few all-out attacks that may end in his destruction.

Machida, I think, is a little less scared of the scorecards and will look to be a smidge more aggressive, I think he'll break his conservative mold a few times and try to score a sweep or knockdown, something dramatic looking to duplicate his success but in a more decisive manner. I don't think his strategy will change at all, he's a cerebral fighter and all that but his fights play out in a similar way. He'll take more risks but not many more, Shogun has a very tough jaw and has never been stopped by strikes and is seldom stunned.

My prediction: Machida by decision, he should replicate his offensive production and look to take less damage, he may add in a few strategic flurries and look to foot sweep Shogun to seal rounds. Shogun is too macho to take this to the ground and will look to stop Machida the Chute Boxe way: with leg kicks in the free-movement stage and knees from the Thai plum and stomps and soccer kicks to the face (whoops, KNEE NO FOUL!). Good luck with that.

So there you have it, as a pajama-jam wearing karateka myself, I'm rooting for Machida, but I love Shogun too and I wouldn't feel bad if the Prince of Pride got his crown.

Randy Couture: the Mark Coleman of MMA

Holy shit, is there anyone in the sport of fighting with no rules who is more overrated than Randy "The Natural" Couture? (Please don't answer.) Even comparing him to Mark Coleman isn't entirely fair to Coleman. He's had a solid run and has been thrust into many title fights but his career 17-10 record isn't legendary, it's notable, good, and at times brilliant, but overall he shouldn't be in the discussion with the likes of Royce, Sakuraba, Wanderlei, Liddell or Fedor.

His advanced age, humility, too-gummy smile, and wholesome "Captain America" image(despite dumping 3 wives in a 5-year span) make him the UFC's biggest draw behind heavyweight dragon-king and AIDS victim Brock Lesnar. This mass appeal jerks off his hype into mythical levels to the point where a duel with His Grace, Fedor Emelianenko was, at one point, deemed as the biggest superfight in the sport's history. Apparently, skipping over the heavyweight contendership and beating on clumsy ogre, Tim Sylvia for 5 rounds and annihilating gate-keeper Gabriel Gonzaga makes you a worthy foil for the sport's greatest champion and Holy Vicar.

Couture hasn't had a winning streak of more than 2 in 9 years, Fedor is riding a 26-fight winning streak, Wanderlei had an 18 fight winning streak winning and defending his Pride Middleweight title 4 times, Liddell knocked out 7 ranked fighters in a row (including Couture twice) during his 4-defence UFC Light-Heavyweight championship run, Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira, Matt Hughes, Anderson Silva etc. all have all impressively chained together impressive winning streaks. It seems that all great fighters have this one glorious run that transforms the consciousness of the sport forever, a period of activity where you can't recount the history of the sport without mentioning them.

Can you tell the story of MMA without Couture, no, I can't say that. But it seems his legacy has less to do with winning fights, and more with getting KTFO by Chuck, "retiring" to fight Fedor but not really, and simply being above-average at an advanced age. He's won 5 UFC titles (2 at 205 lbs and 3 at 205+) but has only successfully defended those titles 3 times, all three at heavyweight. With exception to his first heavyweight title fight (which capped off a rare 4-fight streak, his first 4 fights actually) he has continually skipped the usual contendership and has been injected directly into fights for the title or immediate championship rematches. Booking championship bouts shouldn't be a beauty contest, but if you treat it that way you get champions who can't defend their throne, who simply cannot endure a steady stream of contenders, which is common in MMA but uncommon for the great ones.

You heard it here first folks (i.e. Ivan and Shandi), The Hammer, Mark Coleman, is gonna DECISION Randy Couture at UFC 109 and put a tidy seal on my argument. Who are the suckers buying events 108 and 109? Coleman/Couture as a main event? I actually heard that 110 sold out before 109. Ah, my stars and garters, this is the UFC laughing at you, like when ESPN has Elisabeth Hasselbeck on NFL live, they know you'll watch no matter what garbage they put out.

This has been another transmission from Omicron Persei 8, (I'm also in space now, why not?), papa has to go eat some ribs and watch iCarly.