Dana White: Obnoxious Masshole or MMA Kingmaker?

My opinion oscillates on all sorts of subjects, big government versus state's rights, woman's suffrage, the DH rule in baseball, global warming, many things. Haha, nah, I don't, I'm actually quite opinionated but I couldn't think of another way to open this blog. (For the record, I believe in kings, I don't think any gender should vote, the DH rule is for fat fucks, and global warming is for fags.)

One thing I do flip-flop on is whether or not I like or fucking despise Dana White, on some days I think of him as an absolute boon for the sport of MMA, an edgy, xtreme! sort of dude who hates golf, other days he comes off as a total Masshole douchebag with no credibility. Compared to commissioners of other sports (who I suspect are part of sport-loving undead cabal) Dana is a breath of fresh air (as opposed to dusty coffin musk you get with the other guys), he's a brash, in-your-face, sort of dude who represents a controversial sport effectively and fights in the trenches for the UFC on all media fronts. If there is a panel debating the pros and cons of MMA, Dana White and Joe Rogan really are the perfect champions for the sport, they are always well-prepared and blow out the contrarians in an argument.

On the other hand you get videos like the above and you realize he is a charlatan too, a used car salesman, he's full of shit and a liar, ESPECIALLY about fighters not under Zuffa's thumb. Dana took a massive dump on Kimbo Slice for the better part of two years, he said he sucked as a fighter, that lightweight BJ Penn and featherweight Urijah Faber would be kick the shit out of him, and that having a freak fighter on the UFC roster would be an embarrassment, something that would tarnish the reputation of the sport. (All true, btw, lol) But, then the ratings come in for TUF 10 and Dana turns into a prostitute and gives Kimbo a UFC contract no matter what transpires on the show.

I can't hate any promoter that puts on circus act fights, freaks are huge short-term attractions and are even a tradition in Japanese MMA, where you have all manner of actors, comedians, atheletes, puroresu guys, pure boxers or judokas, producing decent, fights in the case of Hidehiko Yoshida or somber troll-hunts in the case of Gianto Silva and Hong Man Choi. I think PrideFC showed that you could successfully strike a mix of legitimate competition between ranked athletes and circus tent slobberknockers between freaks. What I do hate is the inconsistency with Dana, he dismisses freak fighters but uses TUF 10 to jerk off Kimbo, he goes gaga for Fedor, tries to sign him, when that goes awry he slams him, says he overrated, that a guy with 5 fights and dragon-AIDS would destroy him.

Inexplicably, I still like Dana White, he's the ultimate shock trooper for a sport with thousands of powerful detractors, he really has a clear vision and total faith in the product. People scoff at his claims that the UFC will be bigger than the NFL in 10 years but I think it's already there internationally. The NFL poured years and millions of dollars trying to cultivate a market for American football in Europe with no traction whatsoever, yet many European venues are clamoring for UFC events, every event held there is a sell-out, and there are already respectable MMA promotions established in the UK and Holland, and an already MMA-savvy market in the 2nd strongest economy in the world: Japan. Every culture on earth has some form of martial art or traditional system of hand-to-hand combat, fighting is universal. Max Kellerman has an excellent analogy as to why fighting is your favorite sport: if you come to an intersection and at each corner you have a sport being played; stickball, street hoops, pick-up football, and a fist fight, EVERYONE, by nature, is going to ignore the first three activities and crowd around the fist fight and watch.

So, I hate Dana for being inconsistent but then I myself am inconsistent about how I feel about the guy, who's gonna notice that? Nobody. There's a lot to dislike about Dana, things I haven't even mentioned like shitty fighter pay (a utility infielder like Alfredo Amezega gets paid more than huge draws like Chuck Liddell or Randy Couture do.) but you have to get past all that bluster and that Uncle Fester countenance and recognize how he has taken a sport on the verge of obliteration in the US, cleaned it up, repackaged it, and made it a viable enterprise with global reach.

WELL DONE, ME!

Randy Couture: the Mark Coleman of MMA

Holy shit, is there anyone in the sport of fighting with no rules who is more overrated than Randy "The Natural" Couture? (Please don't answer.) Even comparing him to Mark Coleman isn't entirely fair to Coleman. He's had a solid run and has been thrust into many title fights but his career 17-10 record isn't legendary, it's notable, good, and at times brilliant, but overall he shouldn't be in the discussion with the likes of Royce, Sakuraba, Wanderlei, Liddell or Fedor.

His advanced age, humility, too-gummy smile, and wholesome "Captain America" image(despite dumping 3 wives in a 5-year span) make him the UFC's biggest draw behind heavyweight dragon-king and AIDS victim Brock Lesnar. This mass appeal jerks off his hype into mythical levels to the point where a duel with His Grace, Fedor Emelianenko was, at one point, deemed as the biggest superfight in the sport's history. Apparently, skipping over the heavyweight contendership and beating on clumsy ogre, Tim Sylvia for 5 rounds and annihilating gate-keeper Gabriel Gonzaga makes you a worthy foil for the sport's greatest champion and Holy Vicar.

Couture hasn't had a winning streak of more than 2 in 9 years, Fedor is riding a 26-fight winning streak, Wanderlei had an 18 fight winning streak winning and defending his Pride Middleweight title 4 times, Liddell knocked out 7 ranked fighters in a row (including Couture twice) during his 4-defence UFC Light-Heavyweight championship run, Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira, Matt Hughes, Anderson Silva etc. all have all impressively chained together impressive winning streaks. It seems that all great fighters have this one glorious run that transforms the consciousness of the sport forever, a period of activity where you can't recount the history of the sport without mentioning them.

Can you tell the story of MMA without Couture, no, I can't say that. But it seems his legacy has less to do with winning fights, and more with getting KTFO by Chuck, "retiring" to fight Fedor but not really, and simply being above-average at an advanced age. He's won 5 UFC titles (2 at 205 lbs and 3 at 205+) but has only successfully defended those titles 3 times, all three at heavyweight. With exception to his first heavyweight title fight (which capped off a rare 4-fight streak, his first 4 fights actually) he has continually skipped the usual contendership and has been injected directly into fights for the title or immediate championship rematches. Booking championship bouts shouldn't be a beauty contest, but if you treat it that way you get champions who can't defend their throne, who simply cannot endure a steady stream of contenders, which is common in MMA but uncommon for the great ones.

You heard it here first folks (i.e. Ivan and Shandi), The Hammer, Mark Coleman, is gonna DECISION Randy Couture at UFC 109 and put a tidy seal on my argument. Who are the suckers buying events 108 and 109? Coleman/Couture as a main event? I actually heard that 110 sold out before 109. Ah, my stars and garters, this is the UFC laughing at you, like when ESPN has Elisabeth Hasselbeck on NFL live, they know you'll watch no matter what garbage they put out.

This has been another transmission from Omicron Persei 8, (I'm also in space now, why not?), papa has to go eat some ribs and watch iCarly.

Shinya Aoki loses his shit

Submission necromancer, Shinya Aoki, in a stunning heel turn snapped the arm of Sengoku lightweight champion, Mizuto Hirota during the co-main event of Japan's massive New Year's Eve MMA festival, K-1 Dynamite!: The Power of Courage 2009.

Aoki secured a sort of hammerlock from mount, forced Hirota to his stomach and cranked that soldier boy until Yuji Schimada, the Cadillac of Referees, is forced to save Hirota from being dismembered. At 2:55 you can clearly see Hirota's arm give way under Aoki. Stunningly, Aoki, in a fit of childlike delight, flips off the prone Hirota and then proceeds to run around the ring and give the audience the bird (they politely clap in response).

Believe it or not, this pint-sized Brock Lesnar has broken someone's arm before in Shooto, some guy I don't know, check that out here. Also, in a sport jujitsu contest, he broke the arm of notable Japanese MMA journeyman, Kuniyoshi Hironaka, with a flying armbar. After completing the armbar he breaks the arm, torques it the other direction and re-breaks it, then wraps the mangled arm around his leg before the ref (what the fuck was he watching?) stops the match.

Not sure where this is heading, Aoki breaks arms apparently, I was gonna handicap Aoki vs. Penn but I don't see how any of this relates to that. It's very late and in no uncertain terms, I may have pooped my bed. Sooo... I better hit the old dusty trail.

Masakazu Imanari Cranks That Soldier Boy.

Finally, video of DEEP Bantamweight Champion and submission sky-lord, Masakazu Imanari's bout with Justin Cruz has finally surfaced. The online community has been murmuring about the omoplata/facelock submission, calling it an 11th hour candidate for submission of the year.

Imanari pulls guard and immediately transitions from rubber guard and into an omoplata attempt which Cruz blocks with his base, stuck, Imanari contemplates a toe hold (I think) and then proceeds to blast Cruz's elbow joint with elbow strikes, posts up on his right hand and gets a hold of Cruz's face and attempts to rip Cruz's head off, he rides his hands down to more of a conventional neck crank to finish the submission.

The facelock attempt was reminiscent of the Crippler Crossface, made famous by notable mass-murderer and psychopath Chris Benoit.

It must be noted that post-fight, Imanari used the trophy he won as an extension of his penis and pointed it at the ring girl or perhaps at Nippon Top Team's androgynous starlet, Shinya Aoki.

Fedor Undefeated in MMA, War.

Shocking news out of South Ossetia, Georgia today as the Russian Ministry of Defence has released an official statement regarding photos circulating on the internet implicating the deployment of MMA champion and advanced super battledroid, Fedor Emelianenko, in the 2008 South Ossetia War.

According to the statement, Fedor Emelianenko was attached to the distinguished Russian 58th Army and spearheaded the retaking of the South Ossentian captial, Tskinval, from ethnic Georgian forces who had entered the city 2 days prior. Apparently, Fedor upon arrival preceeded to beat ten types of shit out Georgian ground forces, grew indifferent and abruptly left to holiday in Sharm al-Sheik Egpyt leaving mopping up actions to the 58th.




(A blast from Fedor's eye lasers leave this Georgian T-72 a burnt out husk.)




(Fedor proposes opening another front against the Georgians through Abkhazian territory.)

Fedor's deployment has sent shockwaves throughout EU and American military circles leaving Brussels and Washington scrambling for countermeasures against this radically advanced war-fighting asset and super-king.

Aleksander Emelianenko looks like he smells like cigarettes.

It's that guy I am, Alex, aka The iCarly of MMA, and it's time for me to blog about the sport's white Kimbo Slice, who the Japanese call "Tattoo Thunder God", a fighter who looks like he has hepatitis B and does: Aleksander Emelianenko.

I was gonna talk about how the Red Devil product and little brother of MMA's own King of Kings Fedor Emelianenko would fare against the UFC heavyweight circuit. Actually, I was never going to talk about that, instead I'm gonna talk about his tattoos and his rap song. First, holy shit, look at all those tattoos. Second, here is his rap song, I would never listen to that so I can't say anything about it aside from that it exists.

Mmmh, this is sort of short so I guess I'll write more about his tats which are all mostly prison-related, and by write I mean steal openly from Wikipedia:

• Right arm: Cathedral with five domes: symbolizes five years of imprisonment.
• Shoulders: Stars: Symbolize a "career criminal" or Vor V Zakone in Russian (English translation: thief in law). More recently he has covered up the Stars with Clouds.
• Left shoulder cobwebs: Aleksander did not explain its meaning other than saying that contrary to what has been suggested by some, it does not have anything to do with the Mafiya. In Russian prisons, tattoos using this symbol typically denote drug addiction or robbery.
• Chest: The Battle of Kulikuvo. (Papa's note: This was a 14th century battle between Russian princes and the Mongols, ending in Russian victory.)
  
• Left shoulder: Russian script.
• Left forearm: Half cat’s head, half skull: “Homo homini lupus est.” Translated: Man is a wolf to his fellow-man. (Papa's note: holy shit.)
  
• Back: Grim Reaper holding a baby.
• Back: Got Min Uns, meaning “God is with us” in German: for Aleksander, it’s a symbol of revival. This tattoo caused a controversy, since this slogan was written on belt buckles of German soldiers in the Third Reich. For many Russian prisoners the phrase means you are totally opposed to the soviet penal system. This phrase was very popular among prisoners during the 60's and 70's.
• Knees: Stars: symbolize that the owner will never be brought to his knees. These tattoos also stirred up controversy, after a picture published on his website revealed a swastika in the middle.
• Pirate tattoo: stands for article 167 of Russian Criminal Code: “armed robbery”.
• “Fortis fortuna adiuvat” Translated: Fortune Favors the Bold.
  
• A name on his lower abs ('Marina'). Later covered by a tribal tattoo.
• A spider web on scalp. (Papa's note: how cool is that?)

I said, I wasn't gonna talk about a potential UFC campaign for Aleks but I lied. In a sport where many fighters try hard to generate a hardened street thug aura, in Aleks you have an actual hardened street thug. A. Emelianenko is actually more marketable to American markets than his brother, (despite having a 3rd of his talent and half his fights): he's an ex-con giganto, (6'6", 255), covered in controversial tattoos, who has a brawler's heart and uses his Sambo to keep fights standing.


Unfortunately, Aleks, being a diseased former burglar, will probably never get a work visa to fight in America, even then he is a fighter who could easily headline a UFC event in Europe where he still actively competes in "fighting with no rules", what they call MMA in Russian, and boxing. He's a heavyweight free agent that gets very little play despite being far better (and let's face it cooler!) than serviceable Paul Buentello or cheating faggot, Gilbert Yvel who somehow manage to squirm their way into the UFC roster.

Despite talking mad shit about UFC brass he has expressed interest in fighting in the UFC before and also, apparently, in medieval battlefields, Aleks explains in an interview with Sherdog:

"I’m ready. It doesn’t matter with who or where. On foot or on horseback. With maces or poleaxes. To fight. To first blood or to death. It doesn’t matter, I’m ready to fight."

Alright, avid readers, Papa has to eat some double cheeseburgers, see you next time. Regards - A.

Sweet Zombie Jesus!

Fightmetric UFC 107 results

Sanchez is forever going to regret taking this fight, Penn hit him 150 times (out of 214 attempts), he hit him 137 times in the head, 59 of those were power shots. BJ is the hardest hitter in the division, he is the last lightweight you want hitting you in the dome 137 times. Many of those power punches were in succession too. Also out of 27 takedown attempts, Diego landed zero. I think around failed takedown #20 you gotta be more creative, try pulling guard, baseball slides, flying submissions, something aside from shooting in for a double, single, ankle pick, etc. Absolute masterclass by The Prodigy.