Japanese Toilet Expierience

Unfortunately, I couldn't find the triumphant "B.J. Penn is... THE DOUCHEBAG" video to cap off my pick 'ems for this card so enjoy this giant, yodeling, Japanese bathroom-face. The vid was taken down due to copyright infringement which is unusual as you can find plenty of Zuffa-licensed clips in fan-made highlight reels all over Youtube. Here are my picks with some commentary.

Machida vs. Rampage

Machida coming off a brutal KO, the first loss of his career, will look to be even more elusive than usual. Rampage boasts some of the best striking defense in the sport at least to when it comes to defending his brain, his earmuff zone-blocking is hard to get through and behind that lies a pretty stiff beard. Look to Machida to go downstairs and chop down Rampage's base with leg and body kicks. This could be a mind-numbing defensive battle, with Machida leaping in and out and scoring while he coasts to a decision victory.

Penn vs. Hughes

I'm definitely going against the grain by picking Hughes in a 3rd round TKO stoppage. Penn, on paper, should never lose to Hughes, he is superior to him in a number of areas, but coming into a fight in shape is a critical part of winning in MMA. Penn is not a true welterweight, he didn't build himself properly to move up a weight class, and on top of that the talent gap between him and Hughes is not large enough to counter the superior strength, wrestling acumen, and game planning of Hughes. Penn should tool Hughes early on but run out of gas in the 3rd, get taken down and pounded into submission.

Sotiropoulos vs. Lauzon

Sotiropoulos is ascendant, he should secure a 2nd round submission over a game "J-Lau".

Davis vs. Boestch

Davis should smash, Boestch, 1st round KO.

Karo vs. Superman

Look for Karo to overcome his anxiety and crack addiction to decision Hallman in a tough fight.

Griffin vs. Lentz

Griffin fighting on the pre-lim is a monument to how fucking boring Nick Lentz is, holy shit, lol.

I don't know jack shit about the rest of the fighters.

My Pokeymans, would you like to see them?

It's sad that the name Igor Vovchanchyn will get you vacant stares by the majority of the mouth-breathing MMA public, at best, the average Affliction beanie-wearing troglodyte will know him as one of the guys getting KTFO in a Crocop highlight reel, a footnote from another era. Igor "Ice Cold" Vovchanchyn, despite his gooey 5'8" frame is a titan in MMA lore and one of the all-time great champions of the sport. Boasting an impressive 49-10-1 record with 26 KO/TKOs and 15 submissons, 10 of which came from strikes to go with 7 decisions, (the dude finished fights). In 63 bouts only the celebrated left high kick of Crocop recorded the sole KO defeat on Igor's record. There are alot of journeymen now like Travis Fulton and Jeremy Horn who rack up tons of wins against cans but many of their wins have come on this side of the millennium. Today, MMA is regulated by athletic commissions, gloves are mandatory, time limits are imposed, there are up to 10 weight classes, dozens of techniques have been banned, same-day tournaments are a rarity, all these conditions and rules are designed to sanitize the sport and make it safe for the fighters and more importantly to the promotions, legal and safer-looking to to the public.

Igor on the other hand, amassed many of his wins under minimal, Vale Tudo rules, fighting bare-knuckled in 8 or 16-man tournaments, fighting three or four men on the same day. He has won an insane six open-weight tournaments, three of them in the same year(!). To put that into perspective fighters today often have surgery after a single fight or take up to 6 months off between bouts to heal or train, typically a productive fighter fights 3 times a year. Igor essentially put in a year's worth of fights into a single day (and dominated). Igor also looked to finish fights by knockout, he never tied up or rode his opponent to cruise into a victory, he always pushed the pace and tried to cut down his opponents with a constant barrage of Russian-style looping hooks. The 90's were dominated by grapplers, amateur wrestlers flooded the scene, MMA was seen as an easier path to make a living versus the ultra-competitve Olympic circuit, jujitsu fighters like Royce Graice were famously destroying stand-up stylists in the early UFC tournaments. Despite this, Vovchanchyn specialized in destroying wrestlers and BJJ fighters, using superior speed, advanced stand-up, and savage striking power in all phases, including off his back. He actually has a submission victory due to breaking a guy's nose with an elbow and headbutting him repeatedly... from his back, he tapped a guy with strikes from guard.

Due to his Russian heritage and similar punching technique, he has been called the proto-Fedor, but unlike Fedor he came into MMA boasting an impressive 61-2 kickboxing record making him more of a Crocop protoype. Fedor has a grappling base, carrying a Master of Sport in Sambo, before entering MMA.

Vovchanchyn's greatest wins were undoubtably his two wars with Mark Kerr, the then unbeatable, wrestling super-hulk. A Division I wrestling champ in 1992 at 190 lbs. (Randy Couture was the 1st runner-up), a 2-time openweight ADCC world champion, as well as a 2-time UFC heavyweight tournament winner, Kerr was considered the best fighter in the world at the turn of the century, definitely the best heavyweight. The massive size and athleticism, the roids, the wrestling pedigree, he was basically Brock Lesnar with submission credentials. Vovchanchyn was in the midst of a 32-fight win streak, making his collision with Kerr the first super-fight in MMA history, a rare 1 vs. 2 scenario. Despite giving up 7 inches in height and around 70 pounds to Kerr, Igor managed to stall and exhaust "The Smashing Machine" in his guard eventually escaping then catching Kerr in a front headlock and caving in his skull with brutal knees. The official decision was overturned as knees to a downed opponent were deemed illegal for some reason, however this was the first instance in 11 bouts where any opponent survived Kerr's famous ground-and-pound offense and top-control, Kerr admitted to being rattled by the reversal. Kerr and Vovchanchyn would rematch with the Ukranian getting the decision, these two losses would send Kerr's career spiraling out of control, he would never compete at a high level ever again.

Vovchanchyn would eventually be a finalist in Pride's 2000 Openweight Grand Prix losing to Mark Coleman, Coleman's opponent in the semi-finals, Kazayuki Fujita, forfeited the match, leaving him fresh going into his bout with Vovchanchyn. After 10 years, 63 bouts, multiple injuries, especially hand injuries, and an advanced ring age, Igor would retire after a 2005 decision loss to Kaz Nakamura.

Igor Vovchanchyn best years were unfortunately during the dark ages of MMA, by the time he entered Pride in 1998 he had already had 29 fights under his belt, this is a very long career for most fighters. With Pride peaking in popularity in the early 2000's and the UFC blowing up in 2004, most emerging MMA fans saw the tail-end of his career, most of his campaigns were fought well away from the bright canvas of the Japanese rings and his exploits might as well have happened on Mars to new American fans. Which is a shame, he was an enormously entertaining fighter, a total destroyer of plodding American wrestlers who want to lay on their opponent and ride out a win, he had a great motor to go along with an amazing beard and seldom took time off due to injury. His diminutive size coupled with his atomic fists created deligtful spectacles when facing super-heavies like 340, 6'8" Paul Varelanes or that black guy.

Where exactly does he place amongst the G.O.A.T.? He is probably the best fighter to never win a major title, I think on par with Crocop or Sakuraba but under any of the great champs like Liddell, Fedor, or Hughes. You can make an argument that he is the best heavyweight of all time behind Fedor and Nogueira, despite getting decapitated by Crocop.

UFC 121 Fallout: Lesnar hates cops, getting hit in the face

First watching MMA in a movie theater rocks, I've watched MMA cards in just about every configuration possible and watching fights on a movie screen in HD for 15 dollars is the best value in the land. To the fights...

Velasquez v. Lesnar

Holy shit, what an utter liquidation of Lesnar who continues to panic and do drunken cartwheels any time he gets hit. My pick of Cain was largely influenced by Lesnar's performance against Carwin, I think that fight was an exposé as much as it was an excellent comeback win, it can be both. Lesnar's physicality and rage frighten me every time I watch him, he basically hit Cain with a spear in the first few seconds of the fight. Cain calmly getting up had to have been horrifying for Lesnar, and getting taken down I'm sure was a mindfuck. Cain's pace and striking production just melted Lesnar's will to fight, his game planning with Daniel Cormier proved to be a perfect foil for Lesnar's size and wrestling. Cain looks like he drove an obsidian spear into the face-zone of Lesnar and ate his heart to honor Quetzalcoatl, the feathered-serpent. I wonder how Dana feels about the sport's biggest draw getting destroyed?


Poor Dana. Make an effort to look somewhat happy there. It looks like someone farted in his face.

James Shields vs. Martin Kampmann

Joe Rogan, "If you haven't seen James Shields fight before..."

Lucky you.

Seriously, watching that fight was like having someone shit in my heart. Kampmann, a total moron apparently, passed up a great opportunity to overwhelm a gassed Shields and try to outmaneuver him on the ground, awesome. Also, Rogan needed to take the cock out of his mouth for Shields, good grief. Was that the most milquetoast performance to ever garner a title shot? Have fun with GSP, James, he was NOT empress bai yar parfarmance.

Paulo Thiago vs. Diego Sanchez

Thiago should have thrown a flash grenade into the Octagon before fighting Sanchez. I won't comment much on the fight but I will say that Sanchez is a bonafide retarded fellow. He is fucking weird, dude.

Tito Ortiz vs. Matt Hamil

By the beard of Zeus, why do they talk to a deaf person after a fight, he cannot hear you because he is deaf and he also cannot manage the volume and treble of his voice because he is a deaf person. Noone can understand what he is saying. Also, why are people asking about whether or not Ortiz is relevant anymore? He hasn't been a relevant fighter in close to 9 years. The last ranked opponent he beat was, maybe, Vitor Belfort back in 2005.

My friend Ivan, caught some funny commentary from Goldberg, "He has been in there with the division's best: Machida, Vitor, Chuck, Couture, Cote he has fought them all." Goldberg sounds like AIDS.

Brenden Shaub vs. Napao

Napao sucks.

Also some guy named Court McGee won, he was a TUF winner. WTF happened to TUF? They don't push their winners like they use to.

All said, an average event, with an amazing, electrifying main bout, the crowd in the movie theater was really rocking. Apparently, we are once again, entering yet another age in the heavyweight division after the greatest heavyweight tilt ever, again.

Also, Taker vs. Lesnar in a WWE/UFC co-promoted event?!?!

Whipped Cream Pouring Like Water Falls!

I just want to cram this in before the MMA universe goes coo coo for cocoa puffs and race riots over the results of Brock/Cain. First, Bellator is awesome, please make an effort to watch it if you like MMA, some of last years most amazing finishes were produced in the tournaments in Yahir Reyes' spinning backfist KO of Estevan Payan and Toby Imada's standing inverted triangle.

This is a clip of former Olympic judoka, Rick Hawn, hitting a perfectly-timed ippon seonagi on a black guy leading to a TKO finish. Ippon seonagi along with harai goshi, and uchi mata seem to be the most successful and transferable throws in MMA with non-judo players starting to add these to their repertoire.

The black dude fails in attempting to climb the back of Hawn from the rear standing position, Hawn uses this as his kuzushi (off-balancing) and deftly throws his opponent with ease. The key to the throw was Hawn's immediate recognition of the negro's kuzushi and placement of the left arm, additionally his excellent form and balance let Hawn remain standing over his opponent ready to drop bombs upon his dark and mysterious brow. Great, impactul throws stem from doing them immediately when kuzushi is achieved, like in this massive harai goshi performed by Judo-in-MMA standard-bearer, Karo Parisiyan on Diego Sanchez. As soon as Karo gets that right overhook he immediately begins his throw, giving Sanchez no time to gain his balance and counter the throw, in fact the throw is timed too well and is too forceful resulting in Karo being disorientated on the ground.

I have no other thoughts.

Brocktober Spooktacular (For Great Justice!)

I have awoken! As a means to stave off the pressures and anxiety of my raging borderline (bordelon!?) personality disorder I have returned to the blog-o-sphere on the eve of yet another mega-fight. Yes! A bout between a 5-1 champ and a 8-0 challenger constitutes a mega-fight now...

Sorry, a negro was found sleeping in my utility room.

Where was I? Ah yes, I returned the money back to the synagogue and THAT'S why they call me Honest Alex! The End. FUCK! The Chinese grad student who I was dictating this to didn't keep me on task. Anyhoodles, Cain vs. Brock, (you can find out their last names somewhere else) ah, what do I think about this? I don't know. That's my pick, I don't know. The bookies have Brock around the -125 and Cain around +115 depending on where you wager, so they don't really know either. You look at historical record trends, quality opponents, and general knowledge of a fighter's physical attributes, skills, and fighting base. Gym quality i.e. length and quality of the training camp, level of instruction, specificity of instruction among other factors play a critical role as well, however, secrecy surrounding camps make this basically impossible to gauge until the bell rings. Most UFC build-up shows really only reveal snippets of live sparring and focus mainly on cardio, power-lifting etc. things that everyone does. Brock, I believe, devours virgins before fights, a tainted sacrifice, I suspect, is what gave him HIV. ALERT: BROCK LESNAR HAS DRAGON-AIDS. Also, accomplishments, accolades, ranks and whatnot in other combat sports also inform the savvy speculator about relevant skills, work ethic, body management and the overall preparedness of a combat athlete. Olympic-caliber wrestlers have shown the best adaptation to MMA, followed by BJJ/submission wrestling world champs, Muay Thai-rules world champs, Olympic-caliber Judokas, Masters of Sport in Sambo, catch wrestlers/luta livre stylists, professional boxers, and Karate experts, in that order.

Lesnar is a unique and mysterious colossus possessing strength beyond the scales, blessed with freakish athletic ability which he pairs with a distinguished division I wrestling pedigree, he was Olympyics-bound before he chose professional wrestling. And it shows in his signature power double-leg and advanced top control; his freaky one-armed full nelson from half-guard and gutwrench he utilized to destroy Frank Mir should make the HW division doo doo they pants. He showed an amazing chin and durability in his last fight with Carwin. He also showed very sluggish stand-up, tentativeness, and an unusual reaction to getting hit, he looked like a bear running around with a tranquilizer dart in it's ass, just total chaos. It was a remarkable win but it's textured by getting dominated for an entire round and a 2nd round Carwin meltdown. His cardio, submission defense/offense, and bottom game are mysterious too, just not a lot of evidence here to make an accurate assessment.

Cain has no such cardio issues, he has been tested on Sports Science as having the conditioning of an elite triathlete. The former Arizona State All-American wrestler possesses mobility, smooth striking acumen, combined with a polished all-round offense that can finish fights anywhere. Few heavyweights push the action like Cain and he is an oddity being a heavyweight pressure fighter, his opponents usually wilt under his savage pace. Also he is called Brown Pride but is clearly a white Hispanic, he has pink nipples like me, which is the rule, I suppose for being white.

How is this fight going to play out? Is Brock gonna hit his signature power double and pound Cain into his first loss becoming the UFC's most successful heavyweight champion with 3 title defenses? Or does Cain have the firepower to wear down Brock and push his superior striking advantage?

I'm picking that Mexican guy, I think his wrestling is good enough to stunt Brock's offense and he is just going to maul him standing with some laser-guided combinations. He really doesn't have the one-punch power like Carwin but if you drop enough conventional gravity bombs on a city it will get destroyed the same as if you dropped a single megaton nuke. I always liked smaller, faster fighters versus the lumbering dinosaurs of the division. Historically, the best heavyweights, like Fedor, Nogueira, and Crocop have competed at 230-240, the idea we are entering this new era of gigantic heavyweights dominating the scene is both new and largely untested.

Cain Velasquez, Round 2 TKO.

It's time to play tennis with my Chinese landlord.

UFC 113 fallout = A WHOLE NUTHA LEVEL

Holy shit. The age of warring states is over. The Prince of Pride has got his crown, now begins the Shōgunate!

Shōgun decided to ride his excellent chin, daring Machida to counter, he went over the top of a missed reverse-punch and brained him with right hook. What's next for the 2005 Fighter of the Year? Winner of Rampage/Evans seems like a lock. ANDERSON SILVA!?!?! Rua is on record saying he'd fight ANDERSON SILVA (zomg!). They'll attempt to horseshoe Griffin I think into the title picture though I doubt he can put two wins in a row against worthy competition. Shogun looks totally different from the guy who chugged by Coleman, let's see if his shit knees hold out long enough to get in a few title defenses.

Other UFC 113 notes and impressions:

I've always maintained Cote sucked and is a dumb-dumb, going for a takedown TA LOCO!, great job dumbass. I'm happy that guy with the Rush Limbaugh tattoo flapjacked him and choked him out.

I don't hate Kimbo but his fans are retards, sorta surprised he got cut though, I would have thrown him in there with Toney, lol.

Lol at Kos faking yet ANOTHER injury, that knee skimmed his hair and he is holding his eye like someone threw acid in his face. Daley is a fucking idiot.

Overall, a pretty good event, all the fights were pretty good, the title fight I wish was a little longer, some good exchanges in there, it's always a pleasure to watch those guys do there thing but Shogun was brimming with confidence and seemed to have no fear of Machida. It was nice to see Shogun abandon the cost-inefficient leg kick/bodywork strategy and go for the kill right away.

Back from BOLIVIAN!

"Alex is great and a king", these immortal words are chiseled into the daiichi torii of the infamous Yasukuni shrine in Chiyoda, Tokyo, Japan commemorating Japanese war dead in WWII. Actually, that is false and makes no sense at all.

And now, I will update, after months of silence, only an epic bout of 9/11 proportions could rouse me from my crypt-world, pry me from my duck flocks and holy relics. Mauricio "Shogun" Rua vs. Lyoto "The Dragon" Machida are due to do ("Do dah do do!") genocide upon this earth, TONITE. Karate vs. Muay Thai. Shotokan's standard-bearer vs. The Prince of Pride. Ryu vs. Sagat. I'm just shivering with excitement and dragon-AIDS.

I'm in the minority when I say Machida won the first fight, I scored the first 3 rounds in his favor and Shogun the final two, maybe under Pride rules Shogun would have won, but in a 10-point must system I weighed Machida's right straights to the head more than Shogun's body and leg kicks. Bodywork is a very risky strategy, it only works if it ends in a late KO or knockdown which in this instance it didn't, seldom do you see fighters winning decisions if they are exchanging leg kicks for strikes to the head. I often feel very lonely among the expert community in this opinion and I really think the commentary shaped people's opinions on this, Rogan has a huge hard-on for leg kicks and bodywork. There are reams of papyrus scrutinizing the first fight so let me just shut the fuck up about it and talk about tonite.

Rematches are all about adjustments and I think the big question is whether or not Machida can make any, he's basically perfected his style, he hasn't really added anything to it in 3 or 4 years, and noone has been able to make sense of the the novelty of his signature Karate stance, a modified Zenkutsu dachi (front stance) and his mystifying tai sabaki (body management) until he ran into Shogun who he still edged by. Shogun cleared some of the fog by cutting off the cage (which it seems very few fighters do), forcing Machida into a direction by occupying space between the cage and the center of the octagon and landing leg or body kicks in that direction. The strategy was to destroy Machida's lateral movement and neutralize his tai sabaki then go to the head in the later rounds, a winning strategy if he could've completed the final phase.

This is a great strategic start for Shogun but look for him to go to the head earlier and attempt to KO or knockdown Machida with his war-winning Thai clinch. Machida is notoriously difficult to handle and has an arsenal of esoteric foot sweeps to counter obvious clinch attempts (ask Thiago Silva) so this path may prove difficult. Still more daunting is trying to stop Machida in the free-movement range, so who the hell knows? I think Shogun's best chance at winning is taking the fight to the ground, where Karatekas defer to other styles for help, Machida has a black belt under Nogeuira, I guess, so this isn't exactly a weakness either. Shogun is gonna go out on his shield though, he's afraid of the scorecards more than Machida's reverse punch so look for him to have a few all-out attacks that may end in his destruction.

Machida, I think, is a little less scared of the scorecards and will look to be a smidge more aggressive, I think he'll break his conservative mold a few times and try to score a sweep or knockdown, something dramatic looking to duplicate his success but in a more decisive manner. I don't think his strategy will change at all, he's a cerebral fighter and all that but his fights play out in a similar way. He'll take more risks but not many more, Shogun has a very tough jaw and has never been stopped by strikes and is seldom stunned.

My prediction: Machida by decision, he should replicate his offensive production and look to take less damage, he may add in a few strategic flurries and look to foot sweep Shogun to seal rounds. Shogun is too macho to take this to the ground and will look to stop Machida the Chute Boxe way: with leg kicks in the free-movement stage and knees from the Thai plum and stomps and soccer kicks to the face (whoops, KNEE NO FOUL!). Good luck with that.

So there you have it, as a pajama-jam wearing karateka myself, I'm rooting for Machida, but I love Shogun too and I wouldn't feel bad if the Prince of Pride got his crown.

When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth!

	This will be a hasty post, I'm pressed for time and I want to sneak this in before UFC 109, also there is a mosquito biting me. This is the finals of UFC 10: The Tournament, between Don "The Predator" Frye and Mark "The Hammer" Coleman way back in 1996. Each man destroyed two fighters earlier that night to advance to the finals. Coleman actually wins this fight, and the tournament, by stunning Frye with a headbutt from side mount. As a result the headbutt would be banned, Coleman's revolutionary wrestling-fueled positioning combined with relentless striking from top control would bring "ground-and-pound" to the state of the art. Enjoy.

Dana White: Obnoxious Masshole or MMA Kingmaker?

My opinion oscillates on all sorts of subjects, big government versus state's rights, woman's suffrage, the DH rule in baseball, global warming, many things. Haha, nah, I don't, I'm actually quite opinionated but I couldn't think of another way to open this blog. (For the record, I believe in kings, I don't think any gender should vote, the DH rule is for fat fucks, and global warming is for fags.)

One thing I do flip-flop on is whether or not I like or fucking despise Dana White, on some days I think of him as an absolute boon for the sport of MMA, an edgy, xtreme! sort of dude who hates golf, other days he comes off as a total Masshole douchebag with no credibility. Compared to commissioners of other sports (who I suspect are part of sport-loving undead cabal) Dana is a breath of fresh air (as opposed to dusty coffin musk you get with the other guys), he's a brash, in-your-face, sort of dude who represents a controversial sport effectively and fights in the trenches for the UFC on all media fronts. If there is a panel debating the pros and cons of MMA, Dana White and Joe Rogan really are the perfect champions for the sport, they are always well-prepared and blow out the contrarians in an argument.

On the other hand you get videos like the above and you realize he is a charlatan too, a used car salesman, he's full of shit and a liar, ESPECIALLY about fighters not under Zuffa's thumb. Dana took a massive dump on Kimbo Slice for the better part of two years, he said he sucked as a fighter, that lightweight BJ Penn and featherweight Urijah Faber would be kick the shit out of him, and that having a freak fighter on the UFC roster would be an embarrassment, something that would tarnish the reputation of the sport. (All true, btw, lol) But, then the ratings come in for TUF 10 and Dana turns into a prostitute and gives Kimbo a UFC contract no matter what transpires on the show.

I can't hate any promoter that puts on circus act fights, freaks are huge short-term attractions and are even a tradition in Japanese MMA, where you have all manner of actors, comedians, atheletes, puroresu guys, pure boxers or judokas, producing decent, fights in the case of Hidehiko Yoshida or somber troll-hunts in the case of Gianto Silva and Hong Man Choi. I think PrideFC showed that you could successfully strike a mix of legitimate competition between ranked athletes and circus tent slobberknockers between freaks. What I do hate is the inconsistency with Dana, he dismisses freak fighters but uses TUF 10 to jerk off Kimbo, he goes gaga for Fedor, tries to sign him, when that goes awry he slams him, says he overrated, that a guy with 5 fights and dragon-AIDS would destroy him.

Inexplicably, I still like Dana White, he's the ultimate shock trooper for a sport with thousands of powerful detractors, he really has a clear vision and total faith in the product. People scoff at his claims that the UFC will be bigger than the NFL in 10 years but I think it's already there internationally. The NFL poured years and millions of dollars trying to cultivate a market for American football in Europe with no traction whatsoever, yet many European venues are clamoring for UFC events, every event held there is a sell-out, and there are already respectable MMA promotions established in the UK and Holland, and an already MMA-savvy market in the 2nd strongest economy in the world: Japan. Every culture on earth has some form of martial art or traditional system of hand-to-hand combat, fighting is universal. Max Kellerman has an excellent analogy as to why fighting is your favorite sport: if you come to an intersection and at each corner you have a sport being played; stickball, street hoops, pick-up football, and a fist fight, EVERYONE, by nature, is going to ignore the first three activities and crowd around the fist fight and watch.

So, I hate Dana for being inconsistent but then I myself am inconsistent about how I feel about the guy, who's gonna notice that? Nobody. There's a lot to dislike about Dana, things I haven't even mentioned like shitty fighter pay (a utility infielder like Alfredo Amezega gets paid more than huge draws like Chuck Liddell or Randy Couture do.) but you have to get past all that bluster and that Uncle Fester countenance and recognize how he has taken a sport on the verge of obliteration in the US, cleaned it up, repackaged it, and made it a viable enterprise with global reach.

WELL DONE, ME!

Randy Couture: the Mark Coleman of MMA

Holy shit, is there anyone in the sport of fighting with no rules who is more overrated than Randy "The Natural" Couture? (Please don't answer.) Even comparing him to Mark Coleman isn't entirely fair to Coleman. He's had a solid run and has been thrust into many title fights but his career 17-10 record isn't legendary, it's notable, good, and at times brilliant, but overall he shouldn't be in the discussion with the likes of Royce, Sakuraba, Wanderlei, Liddell or Fedor.

His advanced age, humility, too-gummy smile, and wholesome "Captain America" image(despite dumping 3 wives in a 5-year span) make him the UFC's biggest draw behind heavyweight dragon-king and AIDS victim Brock Lesnar. This mass appeal jerks off his hype into mythical levels to the point where a duel with His Grace, Fedor Emelianenko was, at one point, deemed as the biggest superfight in the sport's history. Apparently, skipping over the heavyweight contendership and beating on clumsy ogre, Tim Sylvia for 5 rounds and annihilating gate-keeper Gabriel Gonzaga makes you a worthy foil for the sport's greatest champion and Holy Vicar.

Couture hasn't had a winning streak of more than 2 in 9 years, Fedor is riding a 26-fight winning streak, Wanderlei had an 18 fight winning streak winning and defending his Pride Middleweight title 4 times, Liddell knocked out 7 ranked fighters in a row (including Couture twice) during his 4-defence UFC Light-Heavyweight championship run, Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira, Matt Hughes, Anderson Silva etc. all have all impressively chained together impressive winning streaks. It seems that all great fighters have this one glorious run that transforms the consciousness of the sport forever, a period of activity where you can't recount the history of the sport without mentioning them.

Can you tell the story of MMA without Couture, no, I can't say that. But it seems his legacy has less to do with winning fights, and more with getting KTFO by Chuck, "retiring" to fight Fedor but not really, and simply being above-average at an advanced age. He's won 5 UFC titles (2 at 205 lbs and 3 at 205+) but has only successfully defended those titles 3 times, all three at heavyweight. With exception to his first heavyweight title fight (which capped off a rare 4-fight streak, his first 4 fights actually) he has continually skipped the usual contendership and has been injected directly into fights for the title or immediate championship rematches. Booking championship bouts shouldn't be a beauty contest, but if you treat it that way you get champions who can't defend their throne, who simply cannot endure a steady stream of contenders, which is common in MMA but uncommon for the great ones.

You heard it here first folks (i.e. Ivan and Shandi), The Hammer, Mark Coleman, is gonna DECISION Randy Couture at UFC 109 and put a tidy seal on my argument. Who are the suckers buying events 108 and 109? Coleman/Couture as a main event? I actually heard that 110 sold out before 109. Ah, my stars and garters, this is the UFC laughing at you, like when ESPN has Elisabeth Hasselbeck on NFL live, they know you'll watch no matter what garbage they put out.

This has been another transmission from Omicron Persei 8, (I'm also in space now, why not?), papa has to go eat some ribs and watch iCarly.

Shinya Aoki loses his shit

Submission necromancer, Shinya Aoki, in a stunning heel turn snapped the arm of Sengoku lightweight champion, Mizuto Hirota during the co-main event of Japan's massive New Year's Eve MMA festival, K-1 Dynamite!: The Power of Courage 2009.

Aoki secured a sort of hammerlock from mount, forced Hirota to his stomach and cranked that soldier boy until Yuji Schimada, the Cadillac of Referees, is forced to save Hirota from being dismembered. At 2:55 you can clearly see Hirota's arm give way under Aoki. Stunningly, Aoki, in a fit of childlike delight, flips off the prone Hirota and then proceeds to run around the ring and give the audience the bird (they politely clap in response).

Believe it or not, this pint-sized Brock Lesnar has broken someone's arm before in Shooto, some guy I don't know, check that out here. Also, in a sport jujitsu contest, he broke the arm of notable Japanese MMA journeyman, Kuniyoshi Hironaka, with a flying armbar. After completing the armbar he breaks the arm, torques it the other direction and re-breaks it, then wraps the mangled arm around his leg before the ref (what the fuck was he watching?) stops the match.

Not sure where this is heading, Aoki breaks arms apparently, I was gonna handicap Aoki vs. Penn but I don't see how any of this relates to that. It's very late and in no uncertain terms, I may have pooped my bed. Sooo... I better hit the old dusty trail.